Something I received in the mail this morning: Advisory for US travelers to France > In these difficult times, it's important to have good travel i>nformation. > > The following advisory for American travelers heading for > France was compiled from information provided by the U.S. > State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. > Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the > Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy > satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended > as a guide for American travelers only and no guarantee of > accuracy is ensured or intended. > > General Overview > **************** > France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the > continent of Europe, and is, for all intents and purposes, > f***ing useless. It is an important member of the world > community, although not nearly as important as it thinks. > It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller > nations of no particular consequence or shopping opportunities. > France is a very old country with many treasures such as the > Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western > civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine, > and body odor. Although France likes to think of itself as a > modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next > to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing > exasperation for American visitors is that the people will- > fully persist in speaking French, although many will speak > English if shouted at repeatedly. > > The People > ********** > France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom > drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are danger- > ously over sexed and have no concept of standing patiently in > a line. The French people are generally gloomy, temperamental, > proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good > points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd > hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are Communists > and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' > names like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out > medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and > to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier mutual > recognition. All French women have small tits, and don't shave > their armpits or their legs. > > Safety > ****** > In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers > are advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. > By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, > apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased > difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, > life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel > connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has > been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French > government to flee to London. > > History > ******* > France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other > important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, > Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was > President for many years and is now an airport. The French > armies of the past have had their asses kicked by just about > every other country in the world. > > Government > ********** > The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections > are held more or less continuously and always result in a run- > off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into > regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, > communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament > consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although, con- > fusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members > are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be > trusted. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting > off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant > when anyone complains. According to the most current State > Department intelligence, the current President is someone named > Jacques. Further information is not available at this time. > Culture > ******* > The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is > not easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and > they have hardly ever made a movie that you want to watch for > anything except the nude scenes. Nothing, of course, is more > boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a > French family.) > > Cuisine > ******* > Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail > is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the > other hand, are excellent although it is impossible for most > Americans to pronounce this word. American travelers are there- > fore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the > restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday > Inn. Bring your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing > but a poor excuse for such. > > Economy > ******* > France has a large and diversified economy, second only to > Germany's economy in Europe, which is surprising since people > hardly ever work at all. If they are not spending four hours > dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads > with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, > in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, > perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, > grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, mis- > cellaneous armaments and cheese. > > Conclusion > ********** > France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied land- > scape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very > nice country if French people didn't inhabit it, and it weren't > still radioactive from all the nuclear tests they run. The best > thing that can be said for it is that it is not Spain. Remember > no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our > vacation in Miami Beach and you are advised to do the same.
