How to get a woman out of YOUR head?

Reality and domestic problems never disappear...

Henry - I've realised in the last week just how much I am actually going to miss the Reading lot - not as much as I miss the Exeter lot admittedly, but it'll be a wrench.

I've been living a lie anyway if you think about it though - if most of the time you see someone it's in unfamiliar situations and etc, then that's effectively a lie isn't it? Although I have spent time completely sober with no real difference so who knows?

I might not be seeing her as much when I move, but that's still better than not seeing at all - you know how much I get attached to mates (that first chapter in Men are from Mars... implies I'm more like a woman too 'cos I tend to be more interested in the emotional bonds than physical) so maybe I'm doomed to only have female mates and nothing else on the cards. We'll see...

 

A neccessary part of life in these circumstances, Dom and to be honest, sometimes it's the kick you need. It certainly helped me.
You can learn a lot about a woman by how she knock's you back.

Nietzsche : "That which does not kill us can only make
us stronger"

 

dom,
stop rationalising. take her out for a coffee and tell her how you feel and that you're kicking yourself for only comming out with it when you're moving away.
if she's the mate you think she is then she'll either let you down gently or go for it. if she isn;t and is just a fair weather pill buddy then that's not YOUR fault but it is better to find out about it now.
don;t let it fester away or you'll be kicking yourself for the rest of your life...

this next bit is not trying to be offensive but you are letting things that happened to you in your childhood effect your adult life. i've known someone who was treated similarly as a child and seperated from a sibling who later on in adult life rejected them. which was perhaps more traumatic for them. they never got on top of it and their life has turned out pretty bad. i doubt you are in danger of that but if you let past baggage drag you back you're never going to have a full life and are going to have a lot of regrets.

cheers


julian

 

ive pretty much accepted the fact, ive knowen from the day we met she planned to move back one day so it wasnt too much of a suprise ,i had the chance of moveing out there with her (we'd have to get married ) but taking everything into consideration i decided to stay.
o and its impossible to get a woman out of the males mind!

 

Nah - rejection doesn't kill - it merely mames(sp?)!!!

Seriously though, Julian, you're right - it's in my subconscious though so I'm not sure how to handle it.

As for fair weather friend, nope, I don't see that actually 'cos we've had our fair share of odd situations that might well make some people go "eeek, can't deal with this!".

The coffee thing won't work btw - I've got to pack all this week, and am out tonight and Thursday. However, she DOES have a party in Reading she might be going to tonight, so if I end up getting an invite (I think she wants me to meet her mate, who by all accounts is sorted (no, it's a bloke before you ask!) so she might well do that) I might well just have to be straight with her, say "I know it's bloody stupid, but have to get this out now rather than later so we both know the score".

My fatal flaw though is conscientiousness - I *hate* treading on peoples' toes and if she's still seeing her on-and-off bloke (they have an open, though monogamous relationship) I'd not want to get in the way of that. To be honest I think I should just stop thinking like this and move on - it's easier.

And I'm all for that to be honest

 

My God - that looks identical to my dad - no kidding - or it was the last time i saw him, before he pissed off with some young blonde chick. Now he did have women on the mind!!

St Jerome: 'The Devil's power is in the loins'

 

Not all blokes think on the outer physical thing with women...

The ironic thing about this is that I don't find this girl massively attractive - even though she is. It's her mind that got me interested - and that's no guff. Seriously.

God I'm a freak - I'm off out of here to pack my system up for the move (then we'll see how freaky I can become!)

 

in the zone

Most thinking people will after a while admit that the mind is the most erogenous of zones and if she is in yours then it will take a lot to dislodge her.

Are you in her most erogenous of zones?

Auric

 

...urm, that question's a little far left of leftfield, but I think I might be - she remembers a lot of what I've said and seems to be very good at knowing how my mind works (not in THAT way ).

Certainly she seems like she's going to miss me being near when I go, but I'm not sure about the mind - maybe - I guess so, I dunno though. Like I say, hard to see what's going on in a woman's mind...

But yeah, my thought's always been that the mind's more interesting than anything else, so there you go.

One thing though - she's now not taking over all my thoughts which is good - think I've managed to ride this one out again - until the next time.

 

Stop trying to sweep it under the carpet. And stop worrying about what other people might think of you, and start worrying about what you'll think of yourself. This is your self-esteem at risk here.

You have no other choice than to come clean. Most women –_especially if they are intelligent –_look for the simple things in men. Chief among these is emotional honesty. If she's worth it, she'll respect you for it, even if you get the red light. You'll also respect yourself, even if your worst fears are realised. You'll get over it quickly and will be able to hold your head high, better equipped for the next emtotional challenge that comes along.

And remember, it's for a good reason that practically the entire history of pop music is based around the notion that's it's better to have lost in love than never loved at all.

 

I don't have much of that anyway, but that is damn good advice - very good in fact...

I *should* have done this on Saturday - I bet this is what she meant by "being more open" after all - damn it - I KNEW it and I still bottled it. I can't do this over the phone or in a text though - I'll have to do this in person next time I see her - whenever that is - provided that her possible bloke isn't around.

Either way though it's doomed to failure because just say, for argument's sake, she really was interested in that way. Well, the relationship wouldn't work due to the distance (been there done that trust me) - and I couldn't tell her way back when 'cos SHE was off around the world (OK Exeter's still in the same country, but the principle's the same). Hmm - never mind - better luck next time (and I really should be totally open and honest this time - I should have told her properly. Damn.

Yeah - this is true I guess - but surely losing can also be defined as not telling in the first place? Or maybe not - I guess that's still tied up with emotional honesty above.

Good advice nonetheless - I should have asked this one last week and things might well be different now. Ho hum.

That said, with limited self esteem and a high penchant for pessimism, I'd never have expected her to be interested even if she was, so even if she was being subtly blatant I'd not have done anything about it. And I'm not sure how to go about this with the next woman that comes along. I mean, I'm not treating her any differently to if I didn't fancy her (perhaps fancying someone's mind is less obvious than drooling over their physical presence) so I'm not sure I'm being that dishonest, although I'm probably not being fair to myself, her, or my mates!

I think the REAL reason I'm so stuck in this thing is that hardly any other woman's got me quite the way she has, and I've never really opened up to anyone as easily as I have her, even though the one door that should be open in my head isn't... Guess I'll just have to keep looking and force myself to make her a good friend if I can figure out how to stop thinking I love her - I mean, surely it's never love until it's recipocrated, so that kind of means I'm in the clear...

OK, I'm shutting up now 'cos I'm just waffling. Anyone got a time machine??

 

(Dom, empty your PM inbox)

Definitely a major sense of deja vu here...

Anyway, what everyone's said is right. You have to be honest with her, and the only way you can do that is to explain your feelings to her. As Henryt said, if she's a "real" friend (and, for what it's worth, I think she probably is) then it won't be a problem to her, even if nothing comes of it, you'll have a weight off your mind and you should be able to move on happily, but retaining a really good friend. If she can't deal with it, then she can't be a real friend. To be a good friend to someone though, you need to be a good friend to yourself, that means dealing with this issue once and for all so it doesn't keep hanging over you. She'll have noticed you're preoccupied for sure...

You need to get yourself out and about more (pot...kettle...black I know), meet more people, especially women. It's something you will do when you move down anyway, but there's plenty of 'em about, trust me, scenery's been damn fine the last couple of days! As for thinking someone's out of your league, if you entertain that kind of negative, pessimistic, thought, people will pick up on it and it will put them off wanting to get to know you. You have no reason to think that way anyway.

Anyway, what I still want to know is, which of me, you and henry were those waitresses at the port royal interested in the other week. The amount of attention we got was certainly over and above good service...

 

Well, it's got to be you or Henry Or maybe all 3 of us...

Hmm - well, I dunno if she would notice I've been preoccupied - certainly I try not to let it come out. Either way, nothing I can do until I next see her so I guess I'll have time to deal with it.

Besides, as you'll well know Ian, not sure whether her bloke (who's a really nice guy!) is still on the scene and you know how much I hate treading on toes. Damn it - Rob and her are right - I need to be more assertive and put my foot down for what *I* want for a change - if I think every woman might have a bloke I'll be totally doomed!

 

Hmm, how could Dom get himself out and about anymore than he already does without being out practically everynight and probably breaking the bank?! Dom is one of the most social people I know, so certainly being out there isn't the problem, but maybe not being at the right places at the right time is the problem instead?! ...then again, they say you won't find it if you look too hard, it will eventually find you - not that I'm a firm believer in that myself although I wouldn't endorse the other extreme either. There's got to be a balance though between making the effort to make new aquaintances (in a way connected with looking) and just kicking back and not bothering at all (surely nothing's ever going to happen that way).

So putting my cynic's hat on now , how many of those did you spot who didn't have a bloke in tow there then Ian?

 

All of ya,she was making sure you didnt do a runner before paying the bill

 

Exactamundo there Hippy!

That's what I was trying to tell them 2. They were just wanting to be seen acting conscientiously by their boss... and they weren't exactly rushed off their feet so they were probably feeling a bit bored!

 

LOL Hippy, probably right there dude!

Henry, right to put the cynic hat on! Um, probably about 50/50 to be honest, although of course the figure could be higher since some may have blokes but they were just at work or whatever...

Still a damn nice view though! I love the summer!

 

Yeah Les, no doubt you're right there mate - like Ian says, nice view though. It's not how they look that matters though, it's if you can talk to them

Right - I think the problem might be solved - was having a bit of a quagmire in my mind yesterday evening, but I had an ace night's sleep and I KNOW everything's going to be fine. I also think that mates with her is better than anything else, so the only thing I *will* do is ask her a question relating to something she said last weekend; nothing like that, but it's been bugging me!

 

Good, sounds as though you've managed to sort things out a bit in your head. So, ask this question, and let that be the end of it. At least you'll have a good mate you can depend on, which is worth so much.

Hope it's not too hot up there in Bracknell, so much for yesterday being the hottest day, was hotter here on Tuesday than yesterday was! Nice mist at the moment so baking time later it seems!

 

Yeah - sent a preview copy of the email to my cousin to see what she thinks (we were nattering about this yesterday). I'm hoping I can keep this sense of equilibrium and stop THINKING so damn much about these things - I need to learn to let my heart rule me, not my head, 'cos if it feels right it must be I guess - and right now, being mates feels much safer and mor comfortable - let's face it, relationships end much easier than friendships!

UPDATE - what the FUDGE was I worried about? We're good mates - and I know now what she meant (it WAS the thing I initially thought - not some veiled hint at wanting more) - so in the words of Jeremy Factsman:
"Reach for the lasers
safe as f**k!"

Now - to learn how to raise self esteem and confidence - Exeter will be the ideal backdrop.

Thanks again guys - it's been emotional! He he he :beer: