How to get a woman out of YOUR head?

Keep it up

A rise will raise self esteem and confidence.

Auric

 

How do you mean a "rise"? If you mean payrise, it's tiny this year but I got one

Can't wait to leave the Bracknell office though - it's a COOKER in here 'cos the a/c is on the fritz and the windows don't open! I'll get cooked on the train on the way home, and then I have to haul ass and collect my DVD player - dehydration.

 

Dom.

I am going to fly in the face of fashion here and go straight for the truth.

Move away and get over her. 9 months and nothings happened means that it never will, we ain't on a hollywood set here. If you are like I was when I fell in 'love' with this girl once, then basically you have made a prat of yourself a few times, you are like a puppy dog, and most likely you try to position yourself to be in her company, although never alone, far too terrifying. You'll find it all amusing soon, but believe me she knows how you feel about her, and it ain't receprocated.

If its any concelation, it stops in the end, all the nerves and the going for women you know in your heart will not be interested, because in the end when they are interested you are 'safe'

What you need to do is feel stronger inside before you can let anyone else in comfortably. This means going out regualry, building at friendships and banter with boys and girls. and dressing smartly and looking good.

You can do all these things, and when you do it confidently it shows, and things move from then on.

You are in a great position because you will be starting afresh. For me it meant moving to France to do a ski season, I was f**king terrified, but knew I had no choice I had to do something to get out the rut, and I have never looked back.

You are mabye scared right now, but focus on the move get to your new job and start afresh, you'll thank yourself for it in the future.

The girl I fell in love with, was not a looker, but quite inteligent. we worked together and over a period of time I became frankly a pain, always around her, making sure I was always in her eye sight (at work I should say I wasn't a stalker!)
Anyhoo, she felt I was a prat and frankly she was right. I got in a right mess in the end and one night balled my eyes out to my mum! The next day I was 'cured' appologised to her for my behaviour and we got on fine.
Curisoulsy on my return from my ski stuff she asked me out on a date. funninly I found nothing interesting about her so declined. weird world.

 

Aha - but I don't think it's love now anyway, and she's been around the world for 6 of those months (though we keep chatting in email). AND - I've been out with her on her own a few times - Cosmosis at the Rex was the best of them though - totally wicked. We're mates and that's the way I intend to keep it now...

...though that said, my mate Robbie claimed to have been getting very friendly to her in EQ last week when we were there - didn't see it myself, but it would KILL me if he ended up with her (fat chance - she finds him very agressive and if you know her past history) but all the same - he's ALWAYS messing up my chances with women.

But he isn't here in Exeter is he? (This new office is nice by the way!!)

YOU AS WELL! I'm definitely working on this - inner confidence flows out - that's for sure. And women like confidence, so let's see where I go from here hey? I'm feeling much more chilled out now all my stuff and job is here anyway - bonus!

 

Perhaps I could join in, I hope I am not intruding.

A. In my opinion there is no such thing as close friendship between a man and a woman. All 'close friends' I had turned up to become girlfriends (unless I didn't want it).

B. When a girl is close to a man for 9 month it means she is in control and liking it. She probably expects something out of you. What that is you have to find out: you may be her puppy, her confidante (in which case you don't stand a chance – rather like in Cyrano de Bergerac) – or be her intimate friend, which is always promising.

C. When a girl is undecided, the best thing to do is to open up, accept a refusal and just go away. Some time later she will come to you.

D. I don't believe one falls in love with brains – if this were so I'd be homosexual. You fall in love because of the voice, the gestures, the whole aesthetics of the person. Than you create an image of liking her brain.

E. It all depends on the person you are. If you are indecisive and insecure, women usually will turn you into a pet (a horrible predicament). You've got to be man enough for her to admire you and yet tender enough for her not to fell frightened or threatened.

Now you'll think I'm making too broad and sweeping generalizations, which I know is true. But my experience (I only married rather late) tells me you can derive such generalizations.

The classic boy meets girl never changed for ages. It is the oldest game in the world.

P.S.: Distance only makes the heart grow fonder.

 

Classic :MILD:

Germane Greer would love that

 

No problems - more the merrier

Hmm - a LOT of people say men and women cannot have close friendship - I disagree with that. I have several very close female mates where the physical issue's never happened...

I just don't know here - the puppy thing won't work (I'm too strong willed) but perhaps it's a bit of the last two - although mainly the last one as I think she's got other people who she confides in more (though maybe in the early days at work that wasn't the case).

If you love someone set them free Or something - Sting's right sometimes!

Urm, well, I dunno - I don't see body language at all (due to the eyesight thing). And I don't believe in love (perhaps lust though!?) at first sight - so how come I KNEW the second I saw her we'd be best mates?

I think that last sentence sums it up - that's the best way to be! SHE needs to ask though - we had a natter once at mine and I actually told her a hell of a lot re the eyesight etc, so if she listened she'd have known. Oh I dunno, there's plenty of fine Extonian women to look at now

 

Dom:

I would let the thing blossom out. Now, as you'll be away from her, you can cultivate her through writing.

I knew a couple of people who had an affair subsequently to a very romantic correspondence.

I also don't believe in love at first sight. Unless it is lust, as you rightly point out, but there is a component of lust in love.

If she is sweet, caring, and sensitive - and those may be the features that appeal to you -, I wouldn't lose all hope. Let it run. Just wait and see.

All IMMHO (the double M stands for My Most).

All the best,

 

RDS - I reckon that Clapton track applies - "Let it grow" - you never know, but I'm not waiting half my life away - been there done that and felt a right plank - schoolboy crush that went on for 12 years (and I don't know what was so good about her looking back on it!). This other one though - solid mates, and we'll see if anything pans out one day - who knows hey?

 

He he he - well, here we go again...

But this time it's different... I think I might have finally made a decision - it dawned on me last night that all my life I've been nursing guilt whenever I feel good - and am always putting myself last due to eyesight and confidence - and perhaps the way I was brought up to not be selfish. This is going to be the death of me and I'm NOT going to let that happen...

Well, this lady (and some other mates) are in for a shock. Yep, I *think* I'm finally about to be mildly selfish, fairly assertive, and very crazy. I've written a letter - and will probably post it later this week when I'm SURE of what I want (I think I know - but been down this road before with someone else, and do NOT want to mess this up on a false whim).

Anyway, got chatting to that "someone else" last night, and ended up blabbing the whole thing, and, as she's had first hand experience of almost this exact situation, she gave me some very very good advice.

So yeah, I reckon to be finally solving this one - only problem is the timing is shod. Tough - I've been making excuses and running for over 10 months now and *IF* I do this (it's a gamble) - well, let's just say, I'm damned if I do and I'll get damned if I don't, and I don't want regret on this one, so I might as well be damned if I do (or maybe have my life changed), so will keep y'all posted....

One thing I do know is I'll regret this for LIFE and maybe even feel resentment with myself and maybe even her if I don't get this out of my system, so I'd say that's a fairly dead cert of me sending this letter. Wish me luck (if I do this of course!).

 

That's got to be the most positive thing I've read from you about this subject, ever Dom! Go man go!

Should be a phone call or face to face would be better, but hey, it's a good step forward to better things, whatever happens.

 

A hand written letter using a good fountain pen and ink will have an impact that will set you apart from others, it will I'm sure get you noticed - in a good way.

Go for it!

Auric

 

Well - I've bottled it (on advice) - I need to rewrite as a good female mate of mine reckons it COULD be either too full on, or too "put me on the spot" for her, so I'll be redrafting it tonight (any idea what's on at yours tonight Henry?). I'm definitely going to do this though - just need to step back and try to assess exactly what I aim to achieve - softly softly but she has to know.

I'm going to tone down from the big L confession to "missing her" and "caring a lot for her" and that shouldn't be so scary to have to take in - although I'm SURE she can handle what I've already got written.

Henry - f2f/IRL is the best way - BUT - I didn't have this flash of inspiration on Saturday - it hit me like a tonne of bricks yesterday evening... So I COULD hold out until the 20th when we're all out and about, but then there'd be a crowd and it might not be so cool... Difficult - tricky - it'll suss out I think.

Auric - no fountain pen I'm afraid - though I have a Parker somewhere. I don't even have decent writing paper so obviously things need doing here - I'd have to give her a typed version anyway as well as my handwriting is AWFUL - although my other mate could read what I had!

So yeah - about time I made a stand...

First off though I'm inviting her down to Exeter - got a Plymouth Bretonside psy-trance night lined up and I KNOW I can get a posse together for that one (don't want her to feel hunted/cornered - I know she HATES that).

Thanks for the encouragement guys - just hope this letter isn't a repeat of the thing 3.5 years ago (this is definitely different and I think much more promising to begin with though).

 

" Thanks for the encouragement guys - just hope this letter isn't a repeat of the thing 3.5 years ago (this is definitely different and I think much more promising to begin with though)."


"Warning! Warning!" and "Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! Danger! Negative thoughts!!"

Auric

 

Tee hee

Well, I'm HAVING to email her now due to a slightly surreal phonecall last night, in that it started fine, I panicked, and did a John Cage (Ally MacBeal) from hell! She picked up on this, and it got a bit awkward (very very rare) - so I've composed something, and will mail it after lunch - keep her waiting since she's running everything it seems....

 

Dom, make sure it ain't too gusshy, she'll run a mile.

 

Gary - I kept it pretty simple and not too full on, but no news as yet (no I DIDN'T declare undying love or anything like that, just that she means a lot to me).

She'll probably run a mile anyway, but I'm refusing to think about that now - burying my head in the sand is quite easy after all...

 

I think you're doing the right thing Dom! This way you'll be able to MOve on from it either way. If it gets the response you're hoping for then great, and if not at least you'll know where you stand. As you say, lifes too short to arse about with "what ifs". That bus could very well hit you toMOrow! And it WILL hit us all one day or another!

One day we WILL "die toMOrow"

Cheers

MO

 

Hey Dom,

Too much vino to offer any sensible comments but I hope it all works out. As someone who was around 40 !! (with 3 years tough therapy after a bizarre relationship type event ) before something romantic wise worked out (and even now after 2 years still learning) just be honest. Honesty someone can deal with, bullshit/ manipulation/ playing games makes things difficult. Its tough. mine came out of nowhere, had a difficult start but we were honest and open and we knew where we stood. 2 years plus years later wer'e still together, still learning still talking, but stronger and more positive. Just talk to her.

 

Hi Jeff,

Any chance you could talk to me please, by answering my PM from a few days back? Thanks.


(sorry for the thread hi-jack Dom )