Joke for the day!!

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after
dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and
ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred,
age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they
know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their
conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss
most of all?"
She asks, "What?" and he replies "SEX!!" Mildred exclaims, "Why
you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your
head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just
hold it
for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers,
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree
to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and
talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then, one night, Harold
didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to
find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the senior
citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female
resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood! Furious,
Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that
I
don't have?"
Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinsons!"


Regards

 

LMAO! :ffrc:

 

What have the Titanic and The Sixth sense got in comMOn?



















I-see dead people :duck:

 

the royal family today anounced they had bought a new telivision,when asked the model the queen replied daewoo,why that make askeds one of the courtiers ? well she replied we hope it will last a bit longer than the philips and ferguson.

 

Mr and Mrs Blobby are in bed:
Mrs Blobby: "blib blob blurbub blob blib blib blobob"
Mr Blobby: "Shut up and swallow!"

 

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a
rough
pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool
at
the
bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the
suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder ...

Dave: - Scuse me .... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh ! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at
home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
pond.
Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a Large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have

large
garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built It
myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Dave: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life !

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a w&nker.

 

Blonde vs. Blonde

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a convertible ports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license.

The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.

Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."

 

The old ones are the best...

What's worse than finding ten babies in a bin?

Finding one baby in ten bins.

Boom Boom!

 

A duck walks into a stockbrokers office and puts 500 bucks onto his desk and says "I want to buy 500 bucks worth of Microsoft shares". The stockbroker looks at him and says "But your a duck".

Duck: "Yeah, I'm a duck, so what?"

Broker:"But you can talk"

Duck: "Yeah, I'm a duck and I can talk, what of it?" Broker:"Where did you get 500 bucks?"

Duck: "See out the window, see that building site over there? Broker:"Yes"

Duck: "Well I'm a bricklayer, and I get paid good money, so for the next 5 months I'll be coming back here to buy 500 bucks worth of shares weekly"

Broker:"Listen, I've got a friend who owns a circus, and I bet you he would pay a lot more for you than what your getting now"

Duck: "A circus? Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't a circus always travelling to different towns?"

Broker:"Yep"

Duck: "And don't these circus people live in tents and caravans?'

Broker:"Yep"



Duck: "Then why the f*ck would they need a bricklayer?"

 

:lol: Ducks eh???..........

A duck walks into a pub and goes upto the bar.

Barman "What can I get you?"

Duck "Bucket of fish please"

Barman "This is a bar, no buckets of fish! Just Drinks. Now, what can I get you?"

Duck "Bucket of fish please"

Barman "Did you not just hear me? Beer, wines, spirits yes! Buckets of fish no! Now I'll ask again, what can I get you?"

Duck "Bucket of fish please"

The Barman now annoyed starts shouting at the duck to get out, which the duck does.

An hour later the duck comes back and again asks for a bucket of fish!

Barman "Listen you little prick! I've told you! You've had plenty of warning! If you come in here again I'll...... I'll..... well........ I'll nail your f'in feet to the bar!!!"

The duck leaves, only to return an hour later......

Duck "Got an nails?"

Barman "no"

Duck "Bucket of fish please"

 

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

 

lol!

Tarquin the Toff is out hunting one day.
He comes across a gorgeous woman. Legs spread, lips pouting, and come on and get me eyes.

Tarquin's eyes light up and he ask "are you game?"

She looks up seductively and says "yes"

So he shoots her.

 

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too...

 

A rabbit was happily hopping through the forest when he came upon a giraffe rolling a joint. Said Rabbit, "Hey, Giraffe. Don't do drugs. Come, run through the forest with me!" The Giraffe looked at Rabbit, looked at the joint, and looked back at Rabbit. He promptly threw the joint on the ground, and they started happily running around forest together.

As the two were happily running through the forest, they came upon an elephant sniffing cocaine. "Hey, Elephant," Rabbit said. "Don't do drugs. Come, run through the forest with us!" Elephant looked at Rabbit and Giraffe, and looked at his razor and mirror. He immediately threw them on the ground, and they all went off through the forest together.

They then came across a lion, who was about to shoot up. Said Rabbit, "Hey, Lion. Don't do drugs. Come, run through the forest with us!" Lion looked at his needle and then looked at Rabbit. Lion threw down the needle and started beating the living crap out of Rabbit. Seriously, it was ugly. Armpits were hanging from tree limbs.

Giraffe and Elephant see this and try to intervene, saying, "Lion! Stop it! He was only trying to help you drop your habit. Knock it off!"

"This little ****er?" said Lion in reply. "This bitch-ass bastard makes me run around the forest like a ****ing idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"