My girlfriends gone crazzzzzy! (long winded & personal)

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Tenson, Nov 15, 2005.

  1. Tenson

    Tenson Moderator

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    Over the last few months I seem to be getting in to more and more arguments with my girlfriend. She used to have the odd upset now and then, either ‘cos I was an idiot or because her family life isn’t that good. In the recent months though it has been getting worse and it has got to the point now where nearly every other week or more I have her insulting me, telling me I am so arrogant and when I ask what the matter is, she likes to say its me. I don’t know what I have done and she will not tell me.

    I am not a person who enjoys arguments so even if I am feeling angry at her I stay calm and talk ‘like an adult’ (I think this adds to the ‘arrogance’ part). If I do that and then simply stop talking to her because she wont be sensible, she will still be angry the next day.

    Last time I allowed myself to show my anger and she backed down after a bit and was nice again. So I think she may be one of these people who like to argue?!

    Even so, that doesn’t stop it happening and I’m sure arguing, even if she backs down, is not good because she still feels like I did something bad. She just got angry with me again for god knows what and hasn’t said why. We were playing Gun Bound (an online game) and even though she won (just about) she suddenly started saying I didn’t deserve to win and I am so arrogant la la la….

    She doesn’t have a very happy home life but even so she should not take it out on me and she says it is me, not her just being stressed out all day or upset already.

    Really I just wanted to get this off my chest, but does anyone have suggestions about how to deal with someone like this? I don’t see how either of us can win from it.

    Apart from these temper tantrums she is absolutely lovely. I love her. She is not perfect and I accept that no one is and no relationship is, but I’m not sure she does!
     
    Tenson, Nov 15, 2005
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  2. Tenson

    Tenson Moderator

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    Of course I could be really arrogant, but I try not to be and if I was she would tell me what I did that was... right? :confused:
     
    Tenson, Nov 15, 2005
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  3. Tenson

    I-S Good Evening.... Infidel

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    [​IMG]
     
    I-S, Nov 15, 2005
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  4. Tenson

    Tenson Moderator

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    Is Tim Buckley not the father of Jeff Buckley? ;)

    Thanks Isaac I feel better now :( I think I'll have a drink!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 15, 2005
    Tenson, Nov 15, 2005
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  5. Tenson

    GAZZ

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    Have you told her you are not happy with her behavour when she is not in a bad mood. It may be a way of letting off steam or it could be a relationship power thing.
     
    GAZZ, Nov 15, 2005
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  6. Tenson

    I-S Good Evening.... Infidel

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    Seriously, you need to discuss it with her. Tell her that you don't understand what the problem is and that she has to tell you so that you can do something about it. Make very clear that if she won't tell you beyond "It's you" then she's putting you in an impossible position.

    Equally, you say she shouldn't take it out on you that she's not happy at home, but you're in the position that you must be supportive. It doesn't check neatly in a column of "her problem"... that defeats the point of being a couple. And yes, being supportive can sometimes feel like having it taken out on you. You have to understand also that if she does do that then maybe it isn't something you've done, but that she has nowhere else to turn.

    Does she independantly play computer games, or does she just play them in order to play with you? If the latter, is there something you're doing to spend time on her interests with her?
     
    I-S, Nov 15, 2005
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  7. Tenson

    Tenson Moderator

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    I think you and Gazz are right, I do need to say something when she is not in a bad mood. The problem is there never seems to be an appropriate time and I am just so glad to not be arguing I don't want the stress of starting it all!

    You are right of course and I am willing to listen to her troubles, try to comfort her and suggest things to help but short of going over there and beating up her Dad, I don't think I can really do a lot to help directly.

    I play them to play with her really ;) We both have an interest in computers. She likes to program and does computing for A level and I have just grown up with it all. She doesn't take an interest in music or Hi-Fi really and I don't take a lot of interest in database modelling (lack of knowledge or interest in each subject on both parts) but we seem to get on when we are together in person. Hmm.. the problems do seem to start mainly when we are talking either by phone or over MSN. In person we get on, except for a few times when she is really, really tired. I'm sure I can be pretty grumpy now and then as well though.

    I think I will try to bring it up next time (if there is one :S) we are having a good time in person saying 'why do we get on so well in person but when we are away from each other arguments ensure?...' seems a soft way to approach the subject!

    Thanks for the support guys, I just need to chat it over with someone other than my mum or best mate lol!
     
    Tenson, Nov 15, 2005
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  8. Tenson

    I-S Good Evening.... Infidel

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    I admit to falling victim to stereotyping there.... That explains why she's upset when you beat her, because it's "her" game. On occasion I used to beat my brother at Quake 2 (he went on to be ranked in the top 10 in the UK at Q3). This was NOT allowed...
     
    I-S, Nov 15, 2005
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  9. Tenson

    bottleneck talks a load of rubbish

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    hi Tenson

    if arguements are happening online and on the phone but not in person, it seems likely (to me) that you are missing the non-verbal cues that take place in conversation, perhaps she is doing the same.

    Lack of all of the facts (such as body language, eye contact etc) can lead to misinterpretation.

    If you discover that this is the case, Im not so sure talking about it is the answer. Its more likely that you will benefit from spending more time face to face and less on MSN and a telephone line.

    Im sure she will appreciate the extra effort you'd be putting into the relationship too.

    good luck
    chris
     
    bottleneck, Nov 15, 2005
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  10. Tenson

    amazingtrade Mad Madchestoh fan

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    When your social life goes to pot, internet forums come to the rescue. When internet forums come to the rescue your social life suffers.

    They have the best attidue to girls in Amsterdam, its called Girls - Pay as You Go.

    PS I ma a 23 year old virgin computer geek so I don't know what I am talking about :D
     
    amazingtrade, Nov 15, 2005
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  11. Tenson

    Tenson Moderator

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    I take it I can't get that under a 'certain' provider then :D
     
    Tenson, Nov 15, 2005
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  12. Tenson

    Tenson Moderator

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    Chris, I think you may be on to something. It is hard to see her as she goes to school during the week (second year of A-levels) so I generally see her once or twice a week. Recently it has been more like once a week as I have been so busy setting up my business. (She doesn't seem to support that idea either?!)

    I think I will try to see her after school or whenever there is some spare time, even if its only for a few hours and I have to get the train and stuff. If she is having a hard time at home she would probably appreciate some more regular visits?
     
    Tenson, Nov 16, 2005
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  13. Tenson

    amazingtrade Mad Madchestoh fan

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    Nope sadly Orange don't offer that service in the UK, somthing do with the law :(.
     
    amazingtrade, Nov 16, 2005
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  14. Tenson

    michaelab desafinado

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    Read this book and you will understand.

    Michael.
     
    michaelab, Nov 16, 2005
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  15. Tenson

    Heavymental

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    Tenson...tell her what you typed in the first post? Tell her you don't understand why she gets like that. The important thing is that you love her and think shes great.
     
    Heavymental, Nov 16, 2005
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  16. Tenson

    Tenson Moderator

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    Michael, have you read it? Do you understand? Can't you just tell me the answer lol, I'm a slow reader!
     
    Tenson, Nov 16, 2005
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  17. Tenson

    anon_bb Honey Badger

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    Sounds like relationship power games and being a sore loser... may I ask if she is quite a bit younger than you? Yes on the phone or msn you lose verbal cues but it can also mean people feel less inhibited about probblems and their attitudes and it all comes spilling out... things they wouldnt say face to face.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 16, 2005
    anon_bb, Nov 16, 2005
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  18. Tenson

    domfjbrown live & breathe psy-trance

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    Ditto. Is she under 25? In my experience it seems most women under 25 are fairly temperamental and don't know what they want, but by the mid-20s have started to be more consistent and stable.

    I'd have it out with her and say "Look, if I've been arrogant, I apologize, but your temper has got to stop. I'm not here to be an emotional punchbag because you can't deal with your family issues. It's either them or me, as I've done all I can and this complex game of cat and mouse is sapping my energy".

    That's just me though. I've been single and fiercely independant pretty well all my life, so I'd dump someone rather than work though it, if it takes more than a week to sort out.

    One part of my family life (my non-blood relative sister) causes tremendous strain on my friendships, and added to that my dad's dying of terminal cancer. However, I'd like to think if I had a girlfriend at the mo I'd not need to bring this up too much for the support thing. Actually, where my sister's concerned I'd get my girlfriend to answer the phone and verbally rip my sister to shreds - ha ha.

    BTW - that "'Mars" book is good, but read James Redfield's "The celestine prophecy" to get a handle on energy transferrence, power struggles and life dramas, as that'll help a lot as well. She seems to be using the Interrogator/Poor Me dramas combined, which will REALLY sap your energy and drag you down. Read that book and you'll know how you can turn it round (it's been a while since I read it so I'm not sure I can accurately go into it here).

    My sister, for the record, uses the Poor Me drama consistently to a fault, but she's a conniving little bitch so the methods to deal with this don't work.

    Good luck :)
     
    domfjbrown, Nov 16, 2005
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  19. Tenson

    Tenson Moderator

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    She is 1 year younger than me. She is 18, I'm 19.

    Thanks Dom that seems helpful. I think I will try to see her more and probably bring it up as well when in person if the time seems alright.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 16, 2005
    Tenson, Nov 16, 2005
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  20. Tenson

    Heavymental

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    Have you tried physical violence/intimidation?




    ok..ok....only joking! Yes I know the issue isn't a joke....sorry!
     
    Heavymental, Nov 16, 2005
    #20
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