New year news

On NYE 2 years ago i asked my decidedly better half if she would be so good as to marry me, she agreed

We agreed at the time that we would wait untill we had a home of our own before arranging the big day. At the moment we both live in my fathers house as he suffered a stroke and needs looking after.
Well our new years promise to ourselves is to sort ourselves out, get a better financial footing and do what we wanted to do 2 years ago.
So the next 12 months will be scrimping and saveing, buy/rent a house and then announce the big day.
Have to say that im well chuffed (that Kay still wants to marry me ) but also slightly scared. Not scared of marriage, but haveing to save that much (there goes the new amp i wanted ) and for me the hardest thing will be telling dad that we are going to move out.
Strange one that, Im 33 and have lived away from home for a long time but moved back to help dad. I feel that he cant really complain but i also know that when we leave he will more than likely have to move to a care home. I know this is going to be real hard for him, and me, but it has to be done.
So theres my next year planned, excitement and fear all at the same time.

 

For all that it's worth, I can only give you my opinion.

With an ill father and the possibility of living with the girl I liked at his home, I'd never move out.

I know this is the way life goes - the old die, the young leave and reproduce, but - I'm not criticizing you - I would stay and help him.

But then, I'm not saying everybody must be like me. But I'd never send a parent to an (un)caring home.

Just my two cents.

 

thats the problem i have, i hate the idea of leaving him on his own
but i also want to move on in my own life.
My girlfriend really has had enough of being here, my father does take advantage of her careing nature.
Although i am very happy with the thought of our own place and marriage, i do feel confused over other issues.

 

A tough decision, no doubt about it.

People are, I think, basically egoistic - again, this is not a criticism. Your father takes advantage of her caring nature; you want to start your family; she wants you without necessarily getting your father.

All I can say is that I wouldn't want to be in your place

 

penance,
i don;t envy your position one bit you are between a rock and a hard place. don;t feel you are the one stuck in the middle. these 2 people are supposed to love you as well so don't take the entire problem on your shoulders and try to carry it all. talk to your fiance and your father about what's going on and see if there are any alternative solutions. certainly there are a number of government benefits that can be applied for to help out with in home care for your father (attendance allowance, etc.).
at the end of the day though, no matter what decision you make, try to make sure that you are at peace with it yourself as if you're not it will surely surface later and possibly cause problems.
cheers


julian

 

How about looking for a place with a granny flat?

Just an idea, but Ive known it work well.

In the longest of long runs, you can either re-join it to the house or rent it out to pay your mortgage for you!

Good to hear about your prospective wife, sorry to hear about your dad, Ju2002's advice sounds very sensible to me..

Chris

 

I basically agree with Julian's advice, but it can be extremely difficult to talk about that kind of matter with one's own father - reversal of roles, difficulty in expressing emotions, and so on.

Bottleneck's solution would be the ideal one, perhaps.

It's horrible that people grow old and have to depend on others. Horrible to them and difficult to others, as they have to carry on with their own lives.

Good luck with it all. I hope some functional conclusion may be reached and that no one will suffer more than necessary.

Having said that, I agree with Julian: don't take all the responsibility over your shoulders. There are three people with conflicting interests and probably with deep affection for each other. I'd like to be able to be more helpful.

 

Life looks like it is wonderful for you.

For what it is worth if you feel staying in your father's old house makes your future wife feels a burden then it is time to discuss with every one and look for your own place. If you feel she is the one then buy the house together.

In time if your parent is unable to stay own his own nor settles down in a care home then invite him again to stay with you but also in terms that she is comfortable with.

Looking at my relatives this simple rearrangement between people seems to keep things in perspective when the inevitable frictions that comes now and again.

 

Congratulations on the Marriage.

As others have said, not an easy situation and I hope it all works out in the end.

MO :beer:

 

Thanks for the kind words all

Well an up and down weekend, some arguing wich i guess is inevitable.
One of the problems is that we have been wanting to move for around 3 years and now Kay is starting to be quite down about it. I dont blame her at all, but it seems my first hurdle is to make Kay realise that i am serious and do want us to have our own place.
With Dad im really not sure, Julian gave good advice but he can make it very hard at times. He has been an excessive drinker for longer than i care to think about and this can cause real problems.
The last 12 months have been real hard work with him, he doesnt do anything for himself now, to the point that if we dont take food to him he wont eat, even thop he can access the kitchen, freezer and microwave. Infact we have been away for a weekend and discovered he hasnt eaten a thing in that time, only drunk.
He already has home care but wont allow them to do much, not even to fully wash him when he isnt capable himself.
Kay and me have spoken to his social worker about it and they admit that he is a difficult case, but they are powerless to help. Unless he himself requests help they cant enforce it.

I am starting to realise that to ensure our relationship carries on and we are happy we do have to move.
I will try and get my head togther and have a proper chat with Dad over the next week or so

 

penance,
imho the key here is gradually removing yourselves from his reliance on you. a granny flat would make this much easier but living within easy distance or so that he is on the way to / from work would also help. unfortunately as your dad has both physical and dependancy problems your task will be a huge one, it may have been better to set boundarys when you first moved in however what's done is done.
have a talk with the social services they may be able to recommend counciling for you all so that the transition can be understood and accepted by all of you. what you don;t want is any big emotional arguments and rash decisions made in haste.
i really don;t envy you your position but good luck with sorting things out.
cheers



julian

 

Try involving your GP. It sounds to me that your father may well have depression.

 

Julian,
Thanks, again good advice and something that had not even crossed my mind. Ill certainly enquire with SS about that.
Also think the idea of not being to far away will help to settle the situation. A granny flat would be ideal, but i think for Kay she needs to be fully away from the situation, and i appreciate her feelings on that.

James, i think you are probably right. I dont think he ever got over mum dieing (about 6 months prior to his stroke) so maybe he will need help getting himself together.

 

It would almost certainly be worth a trial of antidepressant therapy. Also, does he have any chums to socialise with? He sounds a bit socially isolated.

 

I think he may be on anti-depressants not sure, but Kay ( a superb nurse) will know.
His only social life is respite 2 days a week and a few 2 week stints a year. We tried to get him interested in stroke clubs etc.. but to no avail. It could get worse this year as he hits 65 and the respite place is for under 65's

 

You'd be surprised how much stuff is available club-wise for over 65s - my folks do all sorts. Admittedly neither of them has had a stroke, but neither are they in perfect health. It sounds a bit premature, but maybe Help the aged might know of some good places to check out?

You're in a good situation though - it's only couples who can afford to buy even small flats these days, so well done on the marriage thing dude I definitely think you should seriously look into the house with granny flat idea though - seems like a good solution.

 

Thanks Dom

we did some thining last night and worked out that we could probably go for 130,000 mortgauge, shame that only gets a semi detached skip on the M32 interchange in Bristol
But yes, the granny flat idea needs some attention an thought. May be hard even then getting dad to leave his home but probably worth the stress i think.

 

Hi Penance!

Does your dad own his own place by the way?

If so, perhaps he'd be willing to share his equity in a joint purchase!

Just an idea


NB
This Finlay Quay album is awesome.!

 

Hi Chris

Yea he does, maybe a joint venture
He has been away at the respite home since dec 28 and was meant to be home last Monday. I had a call from them on Monday evening to say he has a D&V virus and wont be home until he is better. Sounds awful but we were actually pleased to have more time on our own. I wouldnt wish any bad upon him but it is nice when we have our own time and space.


NB: Is it Maverick A Strike? a most excellent album!

 

Yep, it's a double-edged sword isn't it - you can't help feeling guilty but it's nice to get the time out... Difficult situation but sometimes you CAN'T feel guilty - everyone needs their own space after all. Hope he gets better but also that you come up with a good solution for all 3 of you

Oooooh yeah - certainly is - I'll have to spin that again at some point.

BTW - £130k won't buy a semi in Exeter - not even in Riff Raff Road. OK - just checked - 1 semi - looks passable but so it should for that money. My advice - wait a year - prices are so far out of whack anyway they can't go much higher before the bottom falls out...