silly joke

I'm sure there's already a joke thread somewhere, but this made me laugh!

no offence intended tho!

> A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber
>> and
> asks
>> how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a
> man
>> of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest
> says,
>> "Thank you very much" and leaves. The next day, magically appearing
>> on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.
>>
>> A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine,
>> and
> when
>> the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a
> spiritual
>> leader, a man of the people, it's on the house." The Buddhist monk
>> says,
>> "Thank you very much" and leaves. ! The next day, magically appearing
>> on the doorstep are 12 rubies.
>>
>> The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and
>> the barber says, "No, rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I
>> can't take
> any
>> money from you, go in peace." The next day, magically appearing on
>> the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.

 

Oh, god tidy it up before posting it.

 

another one...


Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate,"
Says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."
"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.
"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her Clothes off."
"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.
"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my
desk next to my new laptop."
"Really? You got a new laptop?"

 

man carrying fish goes into fish and chip shop and asks for fish cake

sold out i'm afraid sir

that's a shame, it's his birthday

 

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint Of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and Cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of
Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie.

The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then bursts into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending,

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
"We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?"

The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says,"Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie"

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the Toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, "Who are you?"

To which he is answered,"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house"

The barman says,"I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know"

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it"

The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"Bugger" said the barman,"what from?"

After a short pause the rabbit said...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>'Mixing Me Toasties'!!!!

 

lol

 

I can only apologise in advance for these ones...


>>>Knock, knock.
>>>
>>>Who's there?
>>>
>>>The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is
>>>in hospital.
>>>
>>>****
>>>
>>>A man walks into a pub.
>>>
>>>He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
>>>
>>>****
>>>
>>>Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
>>>
>>>She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her
>>>terribly low self-esteem.
>>>
>>>****
>>>
>>>What do you call a cat with no tail?
>>>
>>>A manx cat.
>>>
>>>****
>>>
>>>Why do undertakers wear ties?
>>>
>>>
>>>Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that
>>>their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
>>>
>>>****
>>>
>>>How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
>>>
>>>One.
>>>
>>>****
>>>
>>>Why do women fake 0rgasms?
>>>
>>>Because they want to give men the impression that they have
>>>climaxed.
>>>
>>>****
>>>
>>>Two men are sitting in a pub.
>>>
>>>One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of
>>>strange men coming in and out of your wife's house"
>>>
>>>The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a pr0stitute to
>>>subsidise her drug habit"
>>>
>>>****
>>>
>>>Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit
>>>leaps out and runs away.
>>>One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
>>>
>>>****
>>>
>>>Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
>>>
>>>Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
>>>pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest
>>>
>>>****
>>>
>>>Why did the Nigerian come to Europe?
>>>
>>>Because of the poor socio-economic conditions in Nigeria

 

I'm sorry but I don't get why those are funny, please explain

 

Ditto.

 

I think in a version I've seen, these are entitled 'German jokes'.

 

that is correct - tho, I didn't want to add that in case I offended anyone...but maybe posting the jokes was a bad idea full stop...

tho I did laugh when I first read them...

 

Some of the Germans I know have a very good sense of humour.

 

yeah, when I lived in germany - I found them to be great people!

I guess it's all down to that english - german stereotypical sh*te...

 

Two monkeys in the bath, one says "Ooh ooh ooh!" The other says "Well put some cold in then."

 

Now THAT is a joke!