Top rant

Charlie Brooker
Friday September 30, 2005

Guardian
I hate kids. Hate them all without exception. Even yours. Especially yours. Especially if it's a boy and you named it Jake. And if you've ever written a chummy diary article about Jake for a Sunday supplement, I wish nothing short of death upon you. Death by wasps and bombs and razorwire. In a thunderstorm. While Jake looks on in horror. Because I hate parents too.

As luck wouldn't have it, I live slap-bang in the centre of Nappy Valley, a wedge of south London with one of the heaviest kiddywink-and-parent populations in the universe. It's a sickeningly self-satisfied place where the high street heaves with aromatherapy centres, organic-honey shops and cosy little cafes with cutesy lower-case names like "munch", "toast", "smug", "twee" and "bum". And the pavement heaves with buggy prams.

Naturally, I'm so riven with confused rage, I don't really belong in Pretty Pretty Niceland - but oh, how I'd love to. I dream of being able to relax awhile in the cafe; to ruffle my Berliner, sup a tea, chew a wholewheat tofu crumpet or whatever. I wish I could do that.

But I can't. Because wherever I go, there's a repugnant Jake nearby; shrieking, kicking the table, bellowing its hot little face off. And sitting beside Jake is Jake's moron parent, doting on his every noise, dribble and splurt, as though he's somehow special or charming.

Well, he isn't. Jake is a selfish, dot-eyed shouting machine hell bent on sabotaging whatever scraps of tranquillity remain in this pitiful world, and every right-thinking person within earshot despises him with a coal-black intensity that would make your head spin like a centrifuge if you ever got wind of it.

But as a horrified onlooker - one who genuinely believes children should be seen and not heard, and preferably neither - what can you do? I've tried glaring at the parents, but their minds are so hopelessly warped by 24-hour brood-worship, they mistake my consternation for admiration. I've tried glaring at Jake, which isn't entirely bad, since it usually causes him to shut up and start gazing back with a sort of affronted blankness for a few moments, but also makes the waitresses regard me with open suspicion.

I've contemplated having an "I HATE CHILDREN" T-shirt made up, in the hope that it might shock attendant parents into scurrying away with Jake in tow, but in today's kiddie-reverent times, I'd be sectioned in minutes. As for the most obvious solution - leaning forward and politely asking the parent to curb Jake's noisier excesses - that'd end in a fistfight.

I've come to realise that what's required is a distress flare - a smaller, indoor version of a trawlerman's distress flare; one you can fire over your head at the point when Jake's incessant babbling is starting to turn you homicidal.

A distress flare solves two problems at once: it warns Jake's parents you're about to lob a plate at his head, while simultaneously rendering Jake himself dumb, as he stares at the glittering firework like a particularly stupid jackdaw with half-eaten beans round its gob. Oh, and if it sets the cafe roof on fire, that's another bonus.

Hey, don't blame me. Blame Jake and his mummy.

 

Of course Charlie Booker was never a child himself and miraculously apparated into the world aged 30

Michael.

 

If I'd have my way I'd
:chainsaw: :chop: :gatling: :micro: :spank: :laser:
the lot of 'em
Selfish, noisy, irritating, disrespectful little :grrr:

 

Brave words indeed, I feel that just holding those thoughts must single one out for an ASBO at the very least or a stoning on a bad day in Nappy Valley.

 

So you don't think he even has a tiny bit of a point??

I'm no child hater but I do believe he makes a perfectly valid point about how parents these days seem to believe their children have the right to behave in any way they like no matter how it might be irritating other people around them. Children these days are growing up with out boundries and the results of such non parenting are on the news on a nearly daily basis.


GTM

 

I quite agree with you GTM and, if that was the point he was trying to make then fine but "I hate kids. Hate them all without exception." (italics mine) seems to indicate that he's just someone who hates kids and everything that goes with them. Those kind of people are hypocritical (everyone was kid once) and, IME tend to have psychological "issues".

Michael.

 

I suspect most readers of said rant will snigger a bit and not read too deeply into it.

 

Being a Guardian writer Charlie is very short sighted and only sees Guardian reading parents residing in South London. All the normal children of normal parents live in some other universe.

Paul

 

Most kids in my experience are pleasant, friendly and dare I say it well behaved. Kids are undoubtably products of their parents. I can see kids behaviour in how their parents behave. There's of course the classic 'nature v nurture' debate but tbh very few pleasant polite parents have rude unpleasant kids

 

Having lived in Epsom for the last 5 years I have some sympathy for him.The other universe you refer to (Yorkshire) is full of Damians and Chantelles and he would be just as unhappy here.

 

LMAO. I dont like kids, and despite being one myself at one point, I dont quite see how this leads me to having "issues" as you put it, but still, it does seem to me that one has issues in your eyes if they dont happen to agree with you

Not sure why parents in particular think that the whole world should just love kids just because they do, theres a whole lot of people out there that just dont agree!

Anyway i thought that was damn funny.

 

Its part of the very fabric of why we exist.

Normally young people say they hate kids.

When they hit 30 they want kids.

Its life, get over it.

 

Quite true.

But I think the point of his article is its the parents that are just as bad.Michael has singled out his hatred for kids,but he is targeting his vile towards ceratin types of kids,epitomised by 'Jakes' and a stereotyped parent.

Criticising him for his hatred of kids is to miss the point,its certain kids with sertain parents that wind him up,and i suspect many would have some empathy for him.Girls called Chloe are just as bad.

 

I hated kids before having any. I still hate kids but in a different way. As my wife sometimes says when they are being particulary difficult "I love my children but sometimes I don't like them very much"

To be fair, taking young children out in public can be a nightmare for the parents and anyone around them. If a two year old decides to have a paddy, your options are limited. Remove them from the shop or cafe, shout or slap chav style using foul language at the same time, placate the child with sweets or let the little sods get on with it. The last option is irritating for the onlookers but I would venture to suggest is more likely to turn out a child who does not become a thug when older.

Rod

 

I agree, I think Charlie's point is very much about the parents.

Our kids are pretty strong willed, argumentative and difficult to control. When we go out we (my wife and I) are both conscious of other people and as conscientious as possible to prevent their behaviour affecting others. At times it is very difficult to ensure all four behave, other times it's a challenge but we manage it. We do generally avoid eating in places where people might be upset by their behaviour - having said that, we are all entitled to eat and drink and sometimes the needs of others are not our highest priority.

I would add that being surrounded by swearing, smoking tossers while we are trying to organise food and drink, who have no regard for how their behaviour might affect my kids are equally if not more self-centred - Charlie Brooker amuses me - I liked Nathan Barley a lot - but I imagine he would take great delight in swearing and smoking near kids .

I find most of the friends of our kids are ill mannered (IMO), competetive, mean and spoilt and their parents would do anything to avoid having to pull their kids up on their behaviour as in the main they are competitive and mean minded to one degree or another. These (lack of) parenting methods will result in the spoilt competetive, mean minded adults you meet on a daily basis.

At the end of the day kids, just like gays, blacks, whites, women, muslims, greeks, geeks, sneaks, tall people, small people, special needs people, boring people, fat people, smelly people, old people, inarticulate people, mean people, loud people, men, dogs, cats, smokers, swearers, coke snorting sunday afternoon come downers, chavs, Guardian reading sandle wearers, Volvo driving horsey folks, etc, etc, are all annoying in one way or another so just a bit of tollerance is required. Whereas I of course am perfect - the benchmark if you will.

 

"I dream of being able to relax awhile in the cafe; to ruffle my Berliner, sup a tea, chew a wholewheat tofu crumpet or whatever."

What the f*ck is a wholemeal tofu crumpet?

Didn't find it that funny - a poor, almost 6th form, immitation of the sort of article Clarkson has been writing for years.

Strikes me as twatty, up-his -own-arse thirty-something depserately trying to avoid the inevitable onslaught of middle age.

Matt.

 

Strikes me that some people don't understand the concept of satire. Charlie Brooker is an associate of Chris Morris, and is responsible for such excellent ideas as the Unnovations Catalogue and the wondrous TVGoHome. The fact that some people are treating him as a serious commentator is highly amusing. Consider yourselves suckered.

-- Ian

 

lol

 

I'd say Clarkson tries to immitate Chris Morris, who is very much Charlie Brooker's deity. I like Charlie Brooker, but I think he tries hard to be Chris Morris - who is peerless in my opinion.

 

TVGoHome is superb. Regards Charlie's article above - I'm not so sure he was being completely satirical in this case. Sure he was trying to stir people up a bit by overstating his case, but it didnt really hit the humour note of much of his other stuff.