top tips...

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
dentity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
remove he stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90%, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of
their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
your wife from having to do it.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly
together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for
slicing or rating.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

IMPOTENT men Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the
internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy her.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.

ALCOHOLICS Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t
anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after
you've been banged.

 

:lol: BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time. :lol: good advice will try that from tomorrow!

 

Give me laserdiscs any day over DVDs - that's a MAN's format - none of these wussy-weak 5inch 3 gram discs - there's no substitute for Star Wars on a 1kg 12 inch disk

...and while you're hoovering the bedroom, you can "hoover" something else, too, while you're down there. OH - and get us another beer and some pizza and don't talk back with your mouth full.

Just kidding

 

And you wonder why you don't have a partner yet? hey

Not wearing thick dark glasses today, still can't see for $h1t though.

 

There's a smiley on my comments

Besides, if I *had* a partner, I bet you any money you like it'd be her that burps and farts, and me that gets saddled with the washing up anyway!