My girlfriends gone crazzzzzy! (long winded & personal)

Tenson - I think she's probably testing your relationship and your comittment to her. The arguments are probably fuelled by her sense of insecurity and she's looking to see you show your true colours - she's probably half expecting you to tell her to f*ck off, but she's hoping you won't. Mixed with the ups and downs of the menstrual cycle you are left feeling completely confused because you just want a simple and positive relationship.

Trouble is if you are too reasonable she'll come to think of you as a push over and if your not flexible enough the problem will just continue - ie. you're pretty f*cked either way at least until she starts to grow in self-confidence. IME this is typical of many women I have known, especially late teens early twenties and at times it can be frustrating and rather childish IMO, but that's talking from the perspective of a man, the world may seem a whole lot different from the other gender. Personally I think a lot of this type of behaviour is looking to see whether you have "broad emotional shoulders". If you are relationship material she expects you'll take the hassle without flinching because you're strong. Similarly don't look to understand what the problem is with a view to "solving" it - this is a typical male response which make sense to us, but I think what she wants is for you to show patience and to listen to her expressing how she feels. I guess this is a cathartic process where a "solution" is not really the objective.

THB if you love her and want to stay with her then you need to find a way of responding to her needs whilst not losing sight of your own - but dont expect any concessions you feel you make will add up as "relationship credit". You start on zero, any bad things you do puts you in debit and good stuff you do moves you back up towards zero. Very occasionally you might have a credit of 1

If you dont see you staying together then you're better off calling it a day sooner rather than later so you dont waste any of your collective precious time - afterall you could both be looking for a more ideal partner instead.

I met my now wife in early '89 when I was just 18 and she was one day off 17. We've had plenty of ups and downs, but I think we're meant for each other. We married in '95, we've got four children and we still have our ups and downs - ie. she's still a woman I'm still a man. I dont claim to understand her - I'm lead to believe that's a 40 year long course with a 400,000 word thesis at the end.

 

I've played the role of agony uncle to tearful females (a few blokes too) in my taxi on occasions for a number of years. One piece of advice I've learnt not to give to anyone who is unhappy is to ditch their partner - because you just can't get inside their head and understand the emotional complexity of their situation. I've prefered instead to ask them if they felt they could ever be happy in their current relationship and how they thought they would achieve any objective of finding peace and happiness with that person.

It's easy to roll with the good times until she gets moody and unreasonable (or worse) again. Over the years since my doormat/I-just-want-a-quiet-life days in my early twenties, I've learnt to be fair but at the same time not take any ****. I agree it would be best to tackle the issues of your relationship/her behaviour when she's in a good mood rather than simply react to when her mood turns once again for the worst.

Try to lead the way with the kind of behaviour you expect from her with the notion of "what's sauce for the goose..." When she fails to behave towards you in a manner she'd expect from you, it's time to point out to her that her responses are unacceptable, whilst at the same time making her feel loved, cared for and emotionally secure without putting her on some kind of pedestal.

I agree that cold, logical solutions don't do much for women, but warm assurances do wonders! Most importantly be honest with her and expect her to be the same with you.

I've been with a girl 12 years younger than me (she was 21 when we met; I was 33) for nearly four years now, and whilst we've had our ups and downs I've generally tried to tackle the major issues with her calmly and whilst in control. If I've ever felt as though I was losing control, I've just taken time out along the lines of,

"We're getting nowhere right now, so it's best we talk later."

Then you **** off to the pub!

 

Like the old joke. Man finds lamp on California beach and rubs it. Out pops genie who says he will grant one wish. "Hmm," says the guy, "I've always wanted to see Hawaii, but I get sick on planes and boats. Please build me a road to Hawaii so that I can drive there"
"You're kidding!" says the genie, have you any idea of the depth of the ocean in those parts? And what about tectonic plate shifts? And typhoons? Those problems are 'way beyond the capabilities of civil engineering!"
"OK, in that case, I want to understand women, what makes them tick, why they do the things they do."
"Was that two lanes or four?"

 

Think about it rationally: she is less than 20 years old. She's been with you for a year. What are the options for her now? She stays with you and... what? Marriage? Children? 10 more years before either of those two things?

There are very few people in this day and age that end up married to (or even having a lengthy relationship with) people they met before they hit 20. Life just doesn't work that way anymore, mainly because women have far more opportunities to meet other men through work and being able to afford to live on their own or with flatmates.

Most women these days are not looking to have children until late 20's/early 30's at the very least, therefore they have a much longer period of time to get to understand themselves and what they really want. They also get longer to meet the person they end up having kids with.

Unfortunately, and whether we like it or not, the odds are stacked in favour of women in the dating game. They do not think 'Oh well, it's hard meeting people and he's OK, he'll do'. They just don't have the same frame of reference that we do, as they know they can pretty much go out and find a partner without much effort.

As I said before, the way your girlfriend is acting seems to indicate the relationship has run its course as far as she's concerned. You can either wait, get more depressed and probably end up being cheated on or you can decide to take some action to improve your situation (and her's) by getting out of it altogether.

Once people discover resentment in others it's virtually impossible to for those other people to turn the situation around.

That is possibly the worst reason to stay with a partner. It's also quite insulting to the person you're staying with when you think about it.

The only way you will put things right is to change what you currently do. The places you go, the people you go with, the way you act around women etc.

Most men make the mistake of thinking that if they do the same things enough times then somebody will fall for them. It doesn't work that way. People who are seen as successful with women are simply people who alter their behaviour and approach until it works with the women they meet.

The only way you'll begin to find it easier to meet new people is to get out there and practice doing it. Sure, you won't like all of them and not all of them will like you but, unfortunately, the other tactic that does work is that of 'playing the odds'.

Talk to one girl a week and your odds of finding one that fancies you and who would create a mutual attraction are low. Talk to 10 girls a week and you've just improved your odds by 1000%! Try thinking of it that way and it might help you make a move a little easier. Also, learning to deal with rejection is a life skill in itself. Realising that a girl who isn't interested in you is NOT making a personal judgement about your deeper character (how could she be, she doesn't know you!), it will be to do with a whole raft of factors, many of which will have nothing whatsoever to do with you personally or your appearance.

Learning these skills certainly works better than constantly thinking 'She won't like me' and going home alone. How will you ever know unless you ask? How do you think people ever end up doing unimaginable things with the most gorgeous looking women? They just have the guts to ask, it's as simple as that. There is very little in the world that's more attractive to women than well-placed confidence, regardless of what you look like or earn.

 

This is certainly true for women in their late teens/early twenties, and blokes in that same age range really have quite a tough time. The reason for this is that generally (although there are a few notable exceptions) women tend to date men who are older. I think the average age gap is about three years. The age range in which men are most attractive to women is probably 29 to 34, whilst vice versa it's probably 20 to 25. Men are more likely to look for marriage with the first serious partner that comes along, whereas younger women can afford to be more choosy.

However, if you hold out on the serious relationships (unless you are lucky and do meet that drop-dead gorgeous girl who also happens to be your soulmate) until you are in your early thirties, the ballgame begins to change in your favour. I've a mate, who in his twenties, found it difficult like the rest of us to get a girlfriend. Ever since he's been in his thirties he's had a string of rather georgeous girls. I've been with my partner for four years now and I am virtually married to her, but I get far more attention than I did 10+ years ago despite a slightly bigger waistline and receding hairline. I'm certainly more confident now, and my attitude to women has changed. I don't put them on pedestals any more because meeting someone who fancies me is no longer quite so much like winning the lottery.

Before I did meet my life-long partner I was comfortable with the notion that it is better to be alone than in a bad relationship. Self-reliance makes for a more attractive bloke. It's far more flattering from the POV of the opposite sex to know you are with them because you want them not because you need them.

 

I think that also chimes with the pattern of a woman (or indeed man sometimes) testing their partner in the early stages of their relationship - if you respond with rolling over and becoming ultra accommodating it smacks of a lack of self-confidence and low charisma. This in turn can completely put off the person even though you are being as reasonable as posible. Tenson - as said several times above - it all comes down to how much you like her. If you're together just out of convenience you need to end it and move out into the world. If you love her my advice is make it work!

 

It's also worth learning that when you don't "respond with rolling over and become ultra accommodating" women will generally like you more and not less. However, it is also important to be genuine and not play silly games.

 

Well.... I saw her at the weekend and things went well on Saturday but near the end of Sunday she suddenly got all moody. I was hugging her while she was reading something and then she suddenly said 'get off me' and didn't want me touching her. I thought she was joking around so gave her a gentle push. She then got angry and asked me to leave.

I got a little ****ed off because she had been treating me badly nearly all week and asked her why she was being like this and why she had been moody all week. She didn't respond but asked me to leave again.

I left a bit annoyed thinking fine thats it I'm done with you.

I called her today and said I wanted to break up. She said 'okay if thats what you really want' and I then went on to explain why; how she had been treating me badly and how last night was a good example of irrational anger towards me.

Now as far as I was concerned if she could realise there was an issue and did something to improve it then I would continue the relationship but I had not got through to her over the last week and I did not feel I should have to make a huge point about saying 'we need to talk' as she should be willing to talk about it without me having to make a big thing of it and I had to do that with something else that was a problem before with her.

She made her point that she didn't realise there was much of a problem (!!!) but that she was sorry she had been that way the last two weeks or so. You would think this is a good end to the problem... HOWEVER... because I had not made a large effort to point out there was a problem she is doubtful about continuing the relationship now. She saw it as me thinking ‘hey there is an issue here, I will break up with her rather than making the effort to resolve it’.

We both agree that we ideally don't want to break up, we love each other, but we both feel it could be hard to continue now as she doubts my commitment and willingness to take the rough with the smooth and I feel that as I know she has been this way and didn't even realise there was an issue, and that I know she feels as I just described we would both feel odd and not quite right about the relationship.

We are going to meet for a film tomorrow and see how we feel about each other and talk face to face. Basically I should probably break up with her because if it took me saying ‘I want to break up’ to get her to listen, then we have an issue. However if she knows now, maybe things can get better and be all nice again, but now it may be too late for us.

It seems odd talking about this on a Hi-Fi forum but hey you all seem willing to chat about it so why not take advantage of a few listening ears!

Interestingly my best friend just broke up with his girlfriend of about 1 year (actually my ex-girlfriend, I told you I had a lot of **** like this in my life!) and is now dating the girl who presents NewsRound on CBBC? I’m not sure how true that part is though

 

If you've had a lot of s.h.i.t in your life from women then it's about time you bucked the trend.

My favourite saying in life is,
"Once is bad luck, twice is carelessness."

You don't need suddenly to become nasty with women - the "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" mantra is a load of bollocks. Just simply be straight, fair and take no s.h.i.t. Oh, and a timely-sent bunch of flowers can work wonders if it's accompanied with the message,

" I hope you like these" rather than "I love you" when you obviously don't.

 

Tenson, your experiences seem to be quite similar to mine. I lived with that sort of irrational and volatile behaviour for nearly six years before I finally took the courage to end the relationship. the reasons for not doing so were pretty similar - meeting people etc.

Just reading your post there and you've taken the first step towards a resolution, which is great. BUT she's somehow managed to twist it round to make it YOUR fault. I don't see it as an unwillingness to take the rough with the smooth. more like you're not going to put up with her stroppy teenager (Kevin and Perry ) behaviour. ( My ex-GF would suddenly sulk for hours. often my attempts at conversation when I got in the door were met with monosyllabic replies. I think that she never got past the stroppy teenager stage, and her violent behaviour was increasingly frequent...)

It sounds like she's very immature, and very self-centred. You should be the one questioning her commitment to you as her behaviour has been making you unhappy. Yes there must be compromise, but she's made it 'your fault', when she's the one that has been treating you badly.

Best of Luck.

 

Women.

 

yeah. famous quotation :

Women, you can't live with em, can you?

 

Hi Tenson, sorry if this sounds harsh, but as others have said, you are too young to be taking such ****. I would get out of it while you can mate.

 

Good man, finally took the plunge and told her. If I were you I'd stick to my guns and walk away.
Much as I have been a bit curt I really do believe that there is no point in appointing blame to one or another of the invloved parties. I think that if two people don't make each other happy they should find new partners who do and not give it a second thought. Simple really, lifes too short to be miserable.

 

she's not willing to take responsibility for her actions it seems, and she's going for the, "well you ended it not me" exit strategy.

 

It sounds to me like she is playing games - either a) she is using this as an opportunity to dump you easily yet retaining the high moral ground b) she doesnt want to dump you but is using this as a lever for extra power in the relationship i.e.e you raised a problem about her and now she has turned it into a problem about you. Probably the latter else she would have said "ok bye" rather than "ok if that is what you really want". She probably likes using you as an emotional punch bag as you give the impression that you take everything she throws without much complaint (until now). She knows full well that you suffered in silence and is no punishing you for breaking that silnce not for failing to break it earlier. Shes running rings around you. So you will keep quiet about it next time she does it - and she will. Thats the point of her tactic not fixing the problem. The very fact that she has done this rather than address the problem means the whole thing is beyond help.

"we both feel it could be hard to continue now as she doubts my commitment and willingness to take the rough with the smooth" - No no no! Thats what SHE thinks - she just got you to agree to it. Shes turned it all around. Its totally 100% her problem for treating you this way - not your fault for keeping quiet and beiing too nice. Its just words - ignore those just look at her actions.

Love is no excuse you will be happier elsewhere.

 

Luckily Steven Toy has come round to the understanding a fair few of us had at the beginning. She needs to be binned because she wants to be binned.

As I also pointed out before neither of you are in Love. I know I don't know your situation personally but I do read what you say. She has behaved irrationally and you wonder if the relationship is over, this is not love, its the end of a young couples relationship.

It is coming to an end, if I were you I would cancel the cinema or at the very least look at it as the final farewell. The situation will be volatile from both of you and will most likely result in an argument if you are looking to patch this huge wound.

Say goodbye to her and wish her luck for the future, do not use this as an excuse to point out all your ills for the last while, its pointless.

Thats my advice.