so if i am to understand you correctly your desire is to have a perfectly balanced life effecting no-one either positively opr negatively and leaving nothing of yourself behind. i find this a very disturbing idea, and quite a joyless one too
My desire in theory would be to affect nobody negatively, but always positively. I would also enjoy being Robinson Crusoe, and having a pet polar bear. As it is, i would indulge in the premise that i affect those individuals in my environs with sufficient positivity, and negligible negativity. Absolute indifference can lead to zero antagonism (it can also lead to zero tolerence - as anything is permitted). I am highly indifferent, but as a human being i am intrinsically linked to certain other beings, to whom i am not actually entirely indifferent. My centre of gravity resides frimly in the former however, and as such, i generally feel a desire to contribute positively to those with whom i interact, with least negativity, and the rest i am ambivalent. This circle is transient - there are no fixed meditations nor parameters of thought or action. If a negative action is inflicted upon an individual whom i am not indifferent to, i would still invariably be indifferent to the consequences, if they were unavoidable, and i was not in a physical position to alter the outcome, even with the sacrifice of my own existence. I would suffer loss nevertheless at the outcome, as a human animal, but i can never envisage a concerted negative action, at least in so far as i perceive it, and so would not reciprocate in the name of a contrived justice, to which i am intrinsically indifferent. Freedom exists - but it invariably forces a position of indifference to some extent. It can also be lonely and futile. A place where freedom is useless. I don't concertedly reason a way to live, predominately i act instinctively. Though i rarely act at all. I spectate. One can only act with integrity, if one can understand the actors and the stage. I am thrown into confusion at the absurdity of my own existence, and invariably find it incoherent to be creative. I just try to live within the confines of moderation with respect to my human desires. But at the same time am relatively inert. There is no place for spectators in this world, yet i am incapable of action. There are two many inherent contradictions. For one who does not create, invariably little of oneself is left behind. I do not meditate upon my own existence per se, and refrain from predicting the future, or even deliberating on its enigma. As far as is possible, in a world of strange construction, futile progressive energy, hypocrisy, and a vain misguided hope for the marriage of the finite with infinity, i wash with the tides, blend with my environment, but am outside of it as well. I find existence disturbing and joyless. If one cannot breath it is difficult to endeavour to feel joy in a strange world. I feel pleasure, but little joy. I feel pain, but i feel no fear at death in isolation. I am tangible, yet a myth. Instinctive, yet reasoning. This is all highly boring for the purveyors of history. Our perceived shared condition is not an original meditation. To the extent that i do act, as a human animal, i act instinctively. But the burden of reason, occasionally hollars from the black side streets, of a town which is not on the map. I struggle to answer these questions either about myself or anything outside of me. I don't know the answers. I am unable to dispel the questions. Hence all is left is to eat when one is hungry. I neither destory nor create. Just massage what exists.
is it a fear of cracking the facade and finding out what is behind it that stops you from this or is the fact that you believe that what is behind the facade is horrible?surely the very act of soliloquising in a public arena is chipping away at the beautiful face and starting to reveal the ugliness underneath. what is that ugliness?
There is no fear, other than that instilled through the pores, and an unwillingness for pain, as i experience it. The stage is horrible, and on it, i don't understand how to perform. There is no fear here, just confusion and absurdity. There are elements of beauty within the matrix, but these are potentially contrived anyhow, and invariably as i see it, are either an affliction of nature or of innocence. Beauty and passion are not facilitators to action per se, but are remedies for the indifferent, and exert a willingness to positive influence. The ugliness is merely the absence of innocence. Weakness occasionally figures as a chisel at the surface of beauty. A slave to it, and a yearning to be part of it. A contradiction, which cannot be amalgamated. I don't wish to ponder impondrables here, but you have coerced me fair traveller, and i feel compelled to reciprocate.
in my opinion it is that people are nothing more than animals. their instincts are selfish and the idea of absolute morality is a sham. it is the ability to act selflessly and supress these instincts and to forge a moral code that enables people to live side by side that makes the human animal a wonderful thing. of course this outlook has to be balanced against the reality of life. there is no such thing as a free lunch and your life must be by necessity be built on the deaths of other living organisms be they flora or fauna. it is possible to make this necessity less unpalatable either by ignoring it and risking becomming desensitised to greater horrors or you can embrace the fact and make sure that those other organisms you live off are treated as humanely as possible in both life and death.
Well then i am probably like a siberian tiger. A lone predator, who eats when hungry, and is idle most of the time, due to the incapacitating cold. The icy climes are as indifferent to the feline creature, as it is to its environment, outside of the realms of self preservation. He accepts visitors, which presents a pleasurable distraction, but does not encourage it, and few if any remain. Most cats prefer it warm and cosy. They rarely venture to the frosty landscapes. Those that do visit, can summon him with beauty to the warmer climes, but invariably, to preserve that idea of beauty he must forgoe it, but merely facilitate its perpetuation where possible, as a sole act of justification, however contradictory and unintelligible. The landscape looks much the same in all directions. The terrain is perilous as far as the eye can see. He will die here, but not tragically. He has seen the future with lucidity, but does not predict it nor meditate upon it. He communicates with limited intelligibility, for the matrix is an enigma, and cannot be formatted. He is a modest creature with simple means, who enjoys the discourses of thinking travellers through the void. He is now streaming into codshite.............Jules mon ami....i'm crap at questions mate - i know very little if anything - i take none of this seriously, as i never venture far from the stable. I imbibe the passions of others instead. I just wake up and eat at meal times........this dialogue ends in infinity......
regards
In a world of degrees of divergence from 'normality', the spine of the finite, my digital profile would describe me as a melancholy optimist. Definitely maybe.
Cookiemonster occasionally emerges in the Street to participate in Monsterpiece Theatre. In the street roams a Snuffleupagus, which is fokking scary. I share the same birthday as Big Bird - ouch. I like to just eat cookies.
'Accept all things in good part, just as they seem, just as they taste, day by day. The rest is beyond thy knowledge'
Ecclesiastes
WM
and many a 'Blade' has been flashed in pursuit of interior decor mis givings 
a feeling of 'lack of encompassing physic' is plainly evident in the brief passages above, maybe a 'wandering from path' was occuring at the time inscripition, and above all the most blatant of open wounds that wasn't closed 
